Hopeful72's Blog

A strange day!

hopeful72 — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 22:00:26 +0000

There are some moments in life that are deeply poignant & they sometimes crop up when you least expect them, at least that’s what happened to me today…

Immersed in the fullness of a new relationship, at that stage where your partner thinks you can do no wrong, puts you on a bit of a pedestal…yeah…that makes me nervous alright! Always has done. Images pop into my mind where Me v We become slightly blurred around the edges…and I take a step backwards to observe what’s really going on here.

Little things can be so telling. E.g. a first reaction to something important you have to say, something big you need to deal with. Are you going to get the back-up you deserve or plough ahead on your own? Hmmn! So far, am very pleased. Bizarrely, even that can be a tad scary. Yet I’ve got nothing to lose anymore. Have cast myself out on unchartered territory, let’s see where I end up.

Love, love, love

hopeful72 — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 14:26:34 +0000

Have finished work early, have half an hour to myself before picking the kids up from school and am thinking about my love life.
I am watching it unfold on the movie screen of my mind, the things that are happening, not even I saw coming…happiness, togetherness, wanting the same things with somebody new. I pinch myself on a regular basis, is this too good to be true? I am cautiously moving forward here, being very slow to reveal myself this time. Am not going to rush in where angels fear to tread, but all the while, am sensible enough to step back and allow myself to feel the fun of it, its been a long time, it feels.

Stressed to the hilt!

hopeful72 — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 16:38:38 +0000

My life is so stressful…so many things to juggle, work, kids, running a home, education, blah blah blah. I feel really resentful today that there is no proper time for me. I need to rise above it, but feel like crap. I can’t be bothered with anything right now.

Am wondering – is it really necessary for life to be so complicated at times? As intricate as a spider’s web, and just as beautiful when glistening after the rain, but you wonder how much more can be weaved into that little space…

OMG

hopeful72 — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 17:57:15 +0000

OMG – I have been asked out on a date next week. Didn’t think he’d ever get around to asking me…Don’t know what to do – am nervous as hell at the thought of it.

Am not used to dating, it gives me the horrors – ‘cos for example, straight away, I’m having a wardrobe crisis – eek! & What the hell will I talk about? Ah well, why worry, he’s just a guy, right!

Today was so much better

hopeful72 — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 22:22:10 +0000

Back to a bit more of a ‘normal’ type day, thankfully. Gave myself a talking-to…after all I can’t afford to let situations get the better of me. If something annoys me so much like that again, maybe I need to find better ways of dealing with it. However, I do recognise that I am under pressure at the moment, in various ways, but it’s ok. Time to regroup & I am kind of good at that – I’ve had so much practice!

Epipen training with my family helped today to put things into much better context. Keeping my little boy safe in emergencies – the utmost priority of any parent. The nurse who ran the training was absolutely superb, and I am very grateful for what she did for me & my family today.

And yes…more flirting with aforementioned interested party! It feels good to have someone unreservedly interested in me for a change – with no expectations or issues…of course anything conducted like this at arms length is pretty safe for a girl’s feelings eh

An out-and-out crap day!

hopeful72 — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 20:40:47 +0000

It had all the ingredients for bad day from word go. Was working the weekend! Followed by having to go food shopping etc, getting held up at queues etc which pissed me off immensly, picked up kids from their dad, who of course, decided to play up which pissed me off even more…Me the one who does everything, tries to be mum and dad… and take it from me – it don’t work.
So today, kids still pushing my buttons this am – school photographer due so spend extra time getting them ready )as you do), then end up getting late for work. End result? Getting to work, not only late, but stressed, very,very stressed. Then a woman known to be the office antagonist stamps on my toes and by God – am I in no mood to take any crap from anyone…so my usually calm and collected persona goes out the window – and wallop – straight into self-defence and stick up fo rmyself and then some. I object, I say, to being treated like a bloody 5 yr-old blah, blah, blah. She has a reputation for being ‘difficult’, everyone avoids her as much as possible. Cos she has pushed me to the limit for over a year, me, usually taking no notice, has a day when I cant let it wash over me and lo and behold, I blow up like a match – and guess who looks the worst for it? Yip, that would be me. Am so incredibly pissed off I can hardly believe it myself. So, I calm down, only for several hours later, her to freak me out even more. She is such a bitch, its unbelievable! I am upset – oh – you noticed already? sorry!

Kids are going on hols with their dad soon and his family. Nerves strung out on that one for sure. This is not helping.

Next – one of my favourite friends from uni – whom I shared a house with for a year – is now afraid to return my emails – in case his wife doesnt like it? What the feck is that all about? I’m not threat to their relationship for goodness sake! When I was married, it was never an issue. Now that I’m divorced, its like being a kind of social leper – some (but thankfully not all) male friends afraid to be too friendly with me just in case! in case what, exactly??? So the fact that we had been mates for ages (even decades) before this apparently counts for nothing. Am even more upset now, the more I think about it. Where am I going wrong? Obviously I just need to change my friends, but it feels tough. As always though, I will get through it all. Clearly they were not friends in the true sense of the word.

Life is good

hopeful72 — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 20:55:32 +0000

So…almost a week into another year of my life…this one is going to be a good one, I can tell already, having made up my mind it will be so.

Bizarrely, there are several things going on in my life at the moment that I need to overcome e.g. improving my finances, job stability, juggling my responsibilities better (esp. housework) – yip the boring stuff which I can spectacularly overlook at times…but I am overtly optimistic, can’t help it.

I am relaxed thinking whatever problems I have – the solution is out there somewhere. In the meantime I am doing what I can, being a bit more disciplined in my life & affairs generally, working smarter – not harder etc. It’s all stuff that will work out.

Having been thinking about relationships recently & deciding I’m much better off on my own (much more straightforward), then no sooner do I come to this conclusion then another ‘situation’ appears whereby I have to question myself ‘oh, what to do about this?’ And why do these situations always crop up when you’re not looking for them? Or is that just me? Every single time I decide not to bother with relationships – voila – a good possibility presents itself: how rude! Experience is trying to teach me something I obviously don’t ‘get’. Oh well, should be fun discovering something else about myself in the process…not one to take myself too seriously any more.

Thing is, guy I like as a friend (he always makes me laugh etc), though I don’t see him often, is flirting a bit with me – which I have to admit – I am starting to kind of enjoy (!) I’m also noticing things like he was very kind to me on my birthday, that he pays me compliments regularly & sticks up for me wholeheartedly should I ever need it. And is always, without shadow of a doubt on hand for me if he can ever help in any way. Qualities I absolutely adore in a guy. Check. Check. Check…

So, on this note, I find myself flirting back, very tentatively to begin with, taking it very slow BUT on reflection, I think I accidentally ‘upped’ the ante today. Not sure if that is the right thing to do really. Who am I kidding? I know this guy wants me – and I also know he is not likely to come out and say so directly for a little while yet – cos he’s not sure of my reaction. Like he’s in a poker game & he’s desperate to know what cards I’m holding (very close to my chest).
I’ve been a bit naughty cos all I’m giving him is crumbs to work with – little hints here and there – which are so subtle, its probably driving him crazy. Except I returned a message today, saying more than I meant to – cos I got carried away…oops…too late now, it’s gone. Wonder what he will make of it? She says, smiling wryly…

Nurturing New Beginnings

hopeful72 — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 11:19:41 +0000

Bollocks to last week’s feelings of woe. Enough already!

Today is a new day, and I am starting afresh. Birthday celebrations this weekend, have left me feeling with a powerful sense of optimism. Am entering another year of my life, feeling my sense of fun ~ and it’s all out there to play for.
Spent last night with my best friend in the whole world, and we laugh about everything; I needed that. It is so good for me.

Feel good Friday

hopeful72 — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 14:50:57 +0000

What can I say, it’s Friday and I feel good. Very, very good. I’ve been bought a very naughty present for my birthday & it is making me laugh…hmmn, oh to flirt, what fun!

An idea

hopeful72 — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 18:47:33 +0000

I’ve had a secret yearning of late to go back & visit my old student stomping-ground. In the city where I work, I have enjoyed watching the new arrivals of freshers, oozing anticipation & vitality for life and new experiences. I remember it well, the feeling is almost palpable. Last week, one member of this throng passed me by wearing a T-shirt with the caption “make the most of your time on earth”. It made me think. She may have a point.

Whilst the kids are with their dad on the weekend, I could drive over or take a trip by train for the sake of authenticity. It might be nice to have a stroll through the park, a mooch around the shops and a nice coffee in town. At first glance, it has all the ingredients for a de-stress activity, which could result in my good spirits, remembering happy times. But it could go awry, it’s a risk. Full of memories, which include my loved one. I have a few skeletons in this closet, maybe it’s time to let go of my ghosts.

I’ve been told that I am trying to understand my emotions with my mind ~ and that this can be constrictive. So maybe moving forward through my emotions, accepting them as they are, without understanding them could work. I don’t like that idea ~ I’m too much of an analyst. Or make that too self-absorbed and serious. The way I feel right now, I wish I was a song-writer as I’m sure I have enough material .

There is a reason behind all this…my urge to write is consuming me. So much has happened during the last decade, I would like to go back to visit the place I used to live & think about the things that concerned me then ~ with the added bonus of my new perspective. My writing is my release. I have so many more creative ideas right now, I would like to use them. I need to start somewhere & writing what I know about is a good place to start.